I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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