You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
