It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
