is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
