Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
