she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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