Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
