u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize