Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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