I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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