my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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