I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
