I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
