He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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