Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
