My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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