When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
