I wish you could order shots online.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
