i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
