Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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