brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
