Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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