Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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