I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
