Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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