I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
