Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You're like the curious george of whores
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
