Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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