it's too hot outside to masturbate.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
