She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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