btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
