Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
