This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
