I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
