My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
