dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We had sex on a dog bed..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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