im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
