The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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