You really coming over, don't trick.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
