Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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