if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
