The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
