Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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