We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
