I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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