Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
