No stitches, just platelets and will power
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
