I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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