my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
