I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
